What I'm about to share brings back memories of how I used to write to Luis during the weeks when we were apart during our years of long distance. When I re-read our e-mail letters, cards, little notes - how invaluable they were and still are to me. Many people write about their experiences during pregnancy and their feelings and in fact people have asked me to write about this. To document it in some form or another. However, I think there's enough talk about it all, enough complains mostly of up and downs and advice ! So, I've decided to write to my son instead My Luis Andrés. Maybe one day I´ll pass it on to him, actually I think I might just do that.
My dearest Son,
You´re 34 weeks today. It's been an amazing journey - your Papa and I really wanted you. We have envisioned you time and time again. Because of that, this whole experience has been so quick, so easy and time just seemed to have flown by. Any discomfort I felt or have been feeling during it all, seem to pass by, mostly unaffected, overshadowed by all the love I feel for you already. Can I love you any more? I feel I might just burst with love! ( I most likely can, since I feel like a bubble, and look like one too) I think it's possible however to love deeper. It's the same way I feel about your Papa. Through the years, we have grown as people, a deeper kind of love and I'm happy to bring you into the world with that unconditional love I know you'll have. Everyday he shows us love, he comes home to look for us - for you, for Mama and to say how much he loves you already, to feel you move and to have a little chat to you. He does the same first thing in the morning. He lights up when he talks about you, when he shows your tiny 3D photo to friends. That in itself has been a huge comfort to me - those kind eyes. I hope you'll always see this in our little family, and know that strong relationships are the basis to happiness. That our love will shine through you, to help you make your way in this world, which can be harsh, abrasive and cold. Always know you'll have a haven where you can come home to and forget the world; hold on tight to that knowledge. That you'll always have ears to listen to and arms to embrace you, when what you need is more than words .
Maybe you're wondering how it must have all been. So what have we been up to these days? Where do I start? Well, to tell you frankly, I'm looking more like a bubble everyday and because of that, I'm trying to take things a bit slower, walking from one end to the other end of the apartment is a mission! See son, people keep telling me to take it easy, but I know that the only way I'm going to keep sane is by doing and preparing everything nice and early. I know I'm probably driving your Papa up the wall with the constant list of things we need to do and the silent hint every week of hey, your son is 10 week, 15 weeks, 30 week and of course being a Thursday I did it again yesterday- 34 weeks and hey, he's the size of a pineapple!! Anyways, today I've started preparing your bag for the hospital- your clothes. First lot you'll be wearing are in the washing on a cycle named "Babywear" Your Papa, on the other hand, where do I start? He's been incredible with your room. He works on it whenever he can. With the drawing and colouring of it. It's touching to see him and the pains on his face when it thinks he's not doing the best job. One day, we'll talk about these drawings together for sure and probably read the book that your Uncle Pali gave us. I must admit, I had a mini heart attack when Papa mentioned he wanted to draw in your room, but oh- how-wrong I was!!! and how how lucky you are my Luis Andrés!! Hopefully you´ll find it as special as I do. I look at the drawings everyday and have silent dreams of carrying you about them and showing them to you.
I'll share a bit about how everyone feels about you now.. Aunt Ness, Uncle Alex are back in Malaysia with your grandparents. They love you so much already. My wish is that one day we'll all be together and you'll be able to know these wonderful people, learn a bit of the language, the culture and spend some quality time with them. That's your Papa's wish too. He always talks about it. Oh, and I do hope you´ll grow to love Malaysian food like your Papa. Your great grandfather also thinks about you, he's 87 this year and knows about you. I hope we'll be able to see him together soon, he had a bad fall the other day He was attacked by the neighbours dog. I'm beginning to not like the idea of having pets. Unless you insist and we stay clear from Dingos, why camping trips are far from an ideal getaway for me. One day I'll tell you the story of the Dingo and the baby if you haven't heard already. Your Papa has a funny phrase he always says about this, that's what happens when you watch too much tele..but I must admit it's funny!
Here in Chile, you have so many people who love you already. Your grandparents and aunt and uncle love you to bits and they actually went a bit crazy with your gifts last week. You're lucky as you'll be growing up in their love. I know this because they have showered me with so much love and care since I've arrived in Chile. My friends have been so kind too. I have had had the best baby showers and you were showered with so much love. It's comforting bringing you into the world, where you'll be surrounded with all these people. I hope you'll always appreciate the people around you, to not take people for granted and value the people in your life.
I know you'll grow up well, with so much love, and would go places and I know it would be hard for me to let you go, however, I'm cautious that I´ll only be depriving you of the many experience even at this time that Papa and I have had and enjoyed. I have no doubt you'll do well in life, but always remember to hold on close to God, he'll guide your path as he has always done for Papa and Mama too. Like I do understand now why your grandmother bought her apartment 5 blocks from your Papa now. It all makes perfect sense. Is it too much to ask..for you to consider this in the future? Maybe, just maybe.
My dearest son, oh, how I'm waiting to see you, to feel you, to hold you close to me. I'm feeling so content, so full of love and never alone especially when Papa is working and I'm missing him. I feel your constant movements and my heart has never felt the same. You put a smile on my face everyday and you're not even here yet. I adore you son, I love you so much already. Only 6 weeks to go! Well if you´re anything like your Papa, you'll be full of surprises - you might surprise me earlier , but son, life is always full of surprises all the time and that mostly makes life so beautiful. The best advice I can give you is to embrace it all. To love people, to appreciate all the good in your life and to walk in faith.
Ah, that reminds me, thank God for Baby Cycles and washing machines - I need to check on that load of laundry, don't want any surprises, any shrinkages - your clothes are tiny as it is already!
With endless love,
Your loving Mother xx
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