What do I know?

No, no I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.  I'm very much alive, although somewhat engulfed in a world within my own thoughts. The outcome of all this?  I know nothing at all. Nothing. This is just one revelation after traveling to Europe just last month. In the sense of - there was just so much to discover and take in that it was just so overwhelming. It's hard to express. This is how it feels at times to be in a foreign land. At least through it all, I have one re-affirming thought - Chile is the place I would always long for by the end of any trip. 
This is to say, I'm feeling less and less awkward here.
It's a nice feeling to long for my own bed and the comforts around these walls around me.

It's nice to know, that I would not want to leave, if I could turn faith in my favor.

Then almost instantly after stepping home,  I felt heaviness that I'm sure I brought home with me (aside from our luggage of course ).  ......only to come to realization that I brought it upon myself.  For starters, my obsession with Anne Frank.  I spent two days burried in her diary and then started researching everything about it.  The first night was infact the night we got in from Paris when we had one of those legendary black outs in Santiago.  I was with an emergency light next to my peaceful sleeping husband whilst I amused myself with her thoughts.  This then brought on some insane craze about the holocaust. My desire switched to Auschwitz. How I wanted to visit this place desperately- a true recipe for ultimate sadness.  My desire to get into the minds of people and to understand it all -  how I wanted a reason for such hate.  Its a strange feeling to get some sort of liberation from reading such sorrow or settling with being misunderstood at times. Then there are the re-occuring vivid memories of the homeless at Saint Germain. This was all happening of course while other people were dressed fit for a ball... sipping white wine a curb away, whiling their time away ...all this haunted me.  Also a friend leaves Chile shortly after, a friend that Luis always reminds me as he says, " That person is someone that really loves you". How true. That was love. Then to top it all off, I tune into CNN to get unnecessarily sucked into the Amanda Knox's saga.  All imposing repeating news, but as hard as it is to be oblivious to it all, imposible to ignore .....which is harder? picking up your life after 4 years of haters or just having to move on from something horrid?  Is life such, that we are suppose to carry some sort of hard drive for difficult memories to make us appreciate the simple things and just choose happiness? Maybe.

Why? Why? Why ? All these randomness. So much so that I felt utmost love and was almost in tears when my Pilates teacher agreed that I went up from 49 kgs to 51 kgs. That yes, maybe we could work on the arms a bit more . What joy was that to hear. What ultimate love did I feel from all this. I can't explain. This must be true love. Someone who wants to see the best in you without secondary thoughts.  His thoughts... far from anything other than that after having just complimented me for being able to stretch a bit further .
 Cause hey, it's his job to make me look good!  It got me wondering.

How much of true, sincere care and love do we get these days.  It was almost painful, a nostalgic hit on the head for me. Especially after seeing my real good friends in Amsterdam.  I remember looking out of the train into the blackness of the night and  how I felt like just sobbing on my back to Paris. ( Lucky I didn't,for Luis would have certainly thought I was out of my mind after such a remarkable trip).  These people...where do I start? These people knew me so well and I did feel that unconditional love at times where I felt no one else understood - when my feelings were too boxed up from fear of sharing matters I still have burried deep within me... some I'm sure till the day I die. Thank you, thank you, thank you! for the endless memories, for just being there, to happily accept my vulnerabilities, to take me in without a question, to move on with me.

Where can we run to these day? Who can we confide to about our problems? Oh, how I wish it wasn't so important to be self- sufficient these day! Well, as much as I would like to feel like how wonderful it would really be to be able to depend on countable people forever , to pray that God won't take them away.... it's just pure insanity. My top 10 people in my life would cease to exist. With this realization, comes what is distance then ? I ask myself.  I would use every cent to visit them just one more time.  I would sit through their problems time and time again.

 How many people would you do this for?

 To get sorted with some back up plan is where I should begin, since this is what I know for sure....happiness is a state of mind and I'm the master of it. People do have their own lives, people can't take on board your problems with all their heart and soul.  People sometimes prefer to forget that they had something to do with you and your problems. Bottom line is - everyone is trying to just move on, trying aswell to resolve their own issues.
Thus..leaving us back to square one- ourselves and God's grace

Though my husband is far from imperfection on this matter, how I wish he was imperishable. He certainly has an angel lurking about him. Always lucky, or rather -  always blessed. The US dollar went up not too long after thoughts of having to wait for his BBQ set had time to settle in or even larger matters at hand had time to play on his mind.

 How I wish he had a tail and I could just slide along.

 Second to that,  Mr. Pilates teacher have certainly come close to true love for me. Honestly. It goes like this. My fat, his heartache, my fitness his joy! The calmness of my breathing his concern. Honestly, how many people stand by yourside and breathe with you?
 This must be true love.  How can it not be?

Oh, how nice it would be,  if everyone loved us that much and tried to diminish our problems for us, it's just too harsh to think we care only about our well -being no? That there are too many Mr.and Mrs. Colds out there, that one could be so self -contained.
Oh, how I wish I could increase my top 10 to include you all!
Life then, life then would be far from imperfect.